new year resolution

jan 1 comes and goes, and i still try to make resolutions that never seem to come to fruition. anyhow, i decided this year that i should restart my blog writing.

happy year 2012!

未敢忘記

有些事情，不是國勢強大了，不是經濟起飛了，不是一部份人生活質素改善了，就可以忘掉的！

Random

"Common sense is not so common" -- Voltaire

人民不會忘記

今天買了一本於八九年出版的實錄，為的不是我需要文字圖片來提醒自己歷史的真相，而是萬一新聞封鎖，或是更糟糕的自我審查而淡化報導歷史真相，我家裡還有一本可以流傳下去。

africa is not a country

it's sometimes amusing how people refer to africa as if it is a single country. i heard someone talked about "prince of africa" today, i wonder if anyone talks about "prince of europe". would that be prince charles or prince willem-alexander or prince felipe? if england is different from netherlands, and different from spain, then tunisia is not the same as kenya, and not the same as uganda. they don't even speak the same language.

today, not counting the disputed territory of western sahara, there are 53 countries associated with africa. in my part of world, the image about africa is still very much the same as the picture featured on an NGO's pamphlet 20 years ago. in reality, parts of africa has actually improved, but parts are still undergoing difficulties with their governments, economies, and healthcare systems.

we went to a concert today, featuring watoto choir from uganda. it is estimated that 940,000 children in uganda are orphaned. sponsoring these children's education and day-t0-day expense is only about HK$250 per month. i believe it is through education and providing them with a safe environment to grow up in, that the future of these children and the country and possibly the continent might change. uganda might be unique in the issues she has to deal with, but these children are faced with the same needs as all children around the world. i hope in different parts of africa, similar groups have been established to look after the weak.

crying my eyes out

heard of this phase many times before, but never quite figure out how one would get to that point.

all of a sudden, after a call with dad, with his usual negative comments, i just could not stop, as if the burden, sadness, fear, and everything negative that has been stored in my little heart just want to escape through my tears. it feels like my heart wants to burst out from my chest, and release all the negative energy in one go.

don't know what has happened...have i tried too hard? have i deceived myself? maybe...but i never knew i have stored so much inside me.

why work?

"when does a job feel meaningful? whenever it allows us to generate delight or reduce sufferings in others. though we are often taught to think of ourselves as inherently selfish, the longing to act meaningfully in our work seems just as stubborn a part of our make-up as our appetite for status or money."

"to see ourseles as the centre of the universe and the present time as the summit of history, to view our upcoming meetings as being of overwhelming significance, to neglect the lessons of cemeteries, to read only sparingly, to feel the pressure of deadlines, to snap at colleagues, to make our way through conference agendas marked '11:00 a.m. to 11:15 a.m.: coffee break', to behave heedlessly and greedily and then to combust in battle - maybe all of this, in the end, is working wisdom. it is paying death too much respect to prepare for it with sage presciptions. ... let death find us as we are building up our matchstick protests against its waves."

"our work will at least have distracted us, it will have provided a perfect bubble in which to invest our hopes for perfection, it will have focused our immeasurable anxieties on a few relatively small-scale and achievable goals, it will have given us a sense of mastery, it will have made us respectably tired, it will have put food on the table. it will have kept us out of greater trouble."

--- The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work by Alain de Botton

after-thoughts...

i don't think i have had a tougher week than last week, not even when i had to work 100 hours...yet never has it been more rewarding and thought-provoking either.

25 of us went to dasmarinas, cavite in the philippines to visit home for the 100th sheep. they have built a school for children between 3 to 6, and worked in the poorest areas to reach out to the local community.


poverty is a subject i have known in my head for a long time, but never came across it face-to-face. during our visit, we spent a large chunk of our time visiting the kids' homes, and played with them on the street. it was hard walking into their homes, most of them about 100 sq ft built with wood and tin sheet, housing a family with 6-7 children, with no fresh water supply or electricity.

despite the poor living condition, people were surprisingly cheerful. kids were friendly -- they would run to us, hold our hands and hug us, as though we have known each other for years. their yearn for love and care was apparent. we played simple games with them, something as simple as stone paper scissors could bring a big smile on their faces.

looking at them makes me think more deeply about life and my faith. if i believe that my treasure is in stored in heaven, then why am i keeping the money in my bank account and not using them to improve their living condition? am i being selfish? or am i justifying my selfishness by saying that god may call me to use these money for something else? or am i taking all these possessions as an achievement for what i have toiled under the sun, and enjoyed them? i kept thinking about mark 10:21 "go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. then come, follow me." if this is what god is calling his followers to do, do i have the faith to follow him?

jesus said, "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (john 10:10) when children are born with little or no access to the basic needs like food, water, healthcare, is that life to the full? is there anything men can do to give life before death in addition to talking about life after death? i don't know what i can do as an individual, but i know if every individual thinks the same way, the situation is likely to remain the same. however small the thing we do, if we add them all up, there is a glimpse of hope that the living condition can be improved. there is nothing more gratifying than putting hope into someone's life.

roller coaster ride

life is full of surprises, when i thought my roller coaster ride was coming to an end, the engine just restarted, taking me to another ride. the ride itself is making me feel agitated, coupled with a feeling of lack of support, there were times when i just wanted to throw in the towel.

the ride plus the shows i saw in the past week (revolutionary road and murder in san jose) prompted me to think more about life. the tension in marriage represented in these shows, the results of differing perspectives of life being bound together for "reality", is this where marriage would end up, no matter how much you thought you love each other? being realistic seems to be the common thread in both shows, dreams they are giving up because they need to be realistic. yet, who has the courage to chase their dreams? to give up their status quo? april wheeler (kate winslet) projected her desire to change through her husband, was she bound by culture or did she really have the courage to chase the dream of being different? tang (desmond tang) desires to live a different life outside of his current situation, yet lives in fear -- fear of change, what a dilemma! in both shows, it ended with a tragic event, which i don't think was the only way out. but it just demonstrates how reality could push people to their edge.

reality is kicking in, so i guess i need to hang in here for another roller coaster ride.

lots of thinking

after going through the ups and downs of a roller-coaster, it seems like i'm heading to the end of the roller-coaster ride...but i don't seem to be able to come to some sorts of conclusion about my future plans.

from all angles, i'm really gratelful for the opportunities given me in this tough market. the only lingering thought is probably the fact that i have made plans to travel, and it seems they may not materialize at the end. well, who says i have control over timing? maybe if i look back one day, i would completely understand why things happened the way they did. timing has never been in our control. god has never promised things would work out the way i want it to be, but rather he has the best plan for us. just need to trust in him. well, easier said than done.

at the same time, i'm having second thoughts about what i really want. this opportunity seems to be something i wanted, and yet when it's becoming within reach, i start to doubt myself. i have made lots of mistakes in the past, going into areas which i regret at the end...will this be another one of those situations? do i have any choice? or am i putting myself into a pigeon-hole that i feel i have no other choice? i'm grateful, yet i'm doubtful. what an irony!

have to do some thinking tonight...

he gives, he takes away...

lately, many of my girlfriends are expecting, and thankfully, i have received many cute pictures of the little angels who have joined the 2nd generation of our friendship.

on the other hand, little prince has just received this message from his best mate that they have lost their baby at 38-weeks. my heart sank, my tears started to drop uncontrollably, i went through the email again and again to make sure i read it correctly, but the news remained the same. if it was a shock for us to receive the news, i can't even begin to imagine what it was for them.

it's so difficult to comprehend god's plan in these situtations. i know in my head that god is soverign and has a better plan, but isn't he "compassionate and gracious, abounding in love"? do we have the right to be angry? this life was given by him, and when they were about to see the baby being delivered, he decided to take it away.

the book of job says, " the LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." it is indeed one of the most difficult lesson to learn.

No more pain, no more suffering

as we say good-bye to our friend, we have faith and hope that we will see her with her big smile again in heaven. though it came as a shock to all of us, we all know that she is in a much better place, in His courts, in His presence in eternity.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ~Revelation 21:3-4

"We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:14

see you later, michelle!

passion

i have had a few interesting coversations during my trip to the u.s. with some of little prince's friends and ex-classmates.

one of his ex-classmate in bio-medical engineering has picked up tri-athelon after graduation. he practiced as an engineer for a couple years, but later got really into the sports and noticed there was no good servicing shops for tri-atheletes in his area, so he decided to open his own shop!







another one of his ex-colleague quit his job and just went travelling around the world for 8 months. he also happens to be a paint-ball player, to the extent that he would travel around the u.s. to compete in national championships.

we then met a couple people at his homecoming. one of them is a phd in chemistry, and is now working as a chemist for the government, researching solutions against bio-weapons. he looks absolutely like a geek, and almost impossible to talk in a layman language. but because he is so incapable of talking about anything other than his specialty, you can tell he is really into what he does.


another one is the pennsylvania campaign director for hilary clinton. he shared how he started working as a fund-raiser for the university, and later decided that at this juncture of his life, he could afford to do something that pays very little, but would be a lot of fun, so he decided to join pursue this opportunity to help clinton run.


this has really gotten me into thinking about my own passions. is there anything that i would like to pursue so badly that i would give up my day-time job? or better yet, turn my passion into my job. i grew up doing everything that a parent in hk would like their kids to do, so i studied (though not bright, i got by), i played musical instrument (never really enjoyed it but i did that for 10 years), i sang, i entered the local inter-school competitions, i won sometimes, i graduated with reasonable grades, and got myself a decent job. but this is not quite satisfying as i would have imagined.

i wish i could find something that i am passionate about.

teenagers -- part 2

surprise surprise! i'm still helping out with youth group in church!

for a while, i thought it was really tough. i'm so much older than them, there is at least 5 generation gaps between me and them, not to mention we are culturally quite different. but when i saw them last sunday, having come back from a short mission trip in the philippines, and how god has changed their hearts, i'm really thankful!

i have always been hesitant about going on short-term mission trip. guess it's because i always think about efficiency, and short-term mission trip seems like a whole lot of work without being very effective. it's almost impossible to build a relationship with someone local within a few days (or so i thought). guess i never thought about the impact on the person who go, it has been life-changing for many of the teenagers who went, and i could totally see the change in them! thanks be to god!

i should seriously consider going next year, though i'm sure it will be exhausting, i'm sure the rewards will be much greater.

Sign of age

I'm now sitting in the lounge, waiting for the announcement that I can board on the plane to go home from New York. Well, to be honest, with the horrible ice rain and the well-known JFK delay, I am not hopeful that I will get out on time. I just want to board, so I feel like I am on my way home.

It's not the first time I fly round the world in a week, but this time, I really feel I have aged. Jet-lag is worse than ever, waking up at 3am to watch TV. By the second day of my trip, I already wanted to go for a bowl of rice, and so I did -- went to a Japense restaurant to get a bowl of miso soup and a nice steamy rice. In the past, I never quite understood why Chinese tourists would go to Chinatown for food. There are so much good restaurants to try out, why go for a General Taso's chicken in some random Chinese resaturants? But the thought of having a hot soup and steamy rice just made me feel so much better. I guess I am homesick more easily now.

Weather in London and New York at this time of the year is not something to look forward to. It gets dark at around 4pm, which made me feel miserable. I passed by university students who were excitedly going out to have fun, but I just wanted to go back to the hotel room to watch TV. It feels so much more secured in the heated hotel room. I thought to myself, if I had a choice again, would I have the courage to leave home to study in a totally foreign place? Probably not. I certainly don't think I can move to another city now.

I guess being reluctant to change is really a sign of age. I am very tired, I do hope I can sleep throught the 20-hour flight. Keeping my fingers crossed that the flight will fly tonight.

teenagers

everyone who knows me should know that i am really bad at dealing with kids, but somehow after a long conversation with a friend, i feel that i should give it a go and help out with the church's youth group (age 11-17).

teenagers are really a different species, they seem to be living in a totally different world where they don't talk to anyone who is not their age, they could wear long sleeves and gloves in this horribly hot weather (so they could look "cool"), they could spend their lives with ipods all day long... i can't recall what i was like when i was at their age, i bet i was the same.

i couldn't quite figure out what to say to them, most of them don't seem to be interested in christiany, it seems like they are coming to church just because their parents are forcing them to. when i volunteered myself to give a testimony, i didn't know what i was thinking. but i remember the other helper was telling me that i only need to be real to them, so i openly shared an experience of absolute helplessness and god's healing at the end.

i don't think they were particularly interested in my sharing, but i was very encouraged at the end, just because they have finally given me some signs of feedback -- be it a smile or a good-bye on our way out of the church.

WITJ?

WWJD (what would jesus do?) became popular in the 90's, especially around campuses in the US. Many use the motto for all sorts of accessories, including cuff-links, bracelets, bumper sticker. today, i had this sudden idea of WITJ (what if that's jesus?).

i was having a chat with a few friends from church, and as we talked about the difficulty in reaching out to people from a different background, a lot of times those who are less fortunate, perhaps less educated, i often fail in caring for them. i admire my friend who gave shelter to a complete stranger who had no place to stay, i know deep in my heart that no matter how much i say i should love my neighbors as myself, i know i would never invite a complete stranger to my home. but "what if that's jesus?"

i have been volunteering at a homeless shelter for a few years, many times i don't know how to talk to them, sometimes, i don't even feel like shaking hands with them, not to mention sitting next to those who refuse to take a shower. while i know what i should do, and i know in my head "WWJD" in these situations, sometimes i find it difficult even to try to reach out, especially when i am exhausted from my mon-fri work. i really feel like sitting at home, in front of the tv, or even just dosing off in my comfortable air-conditioned living room, watching discovery travel and living. but "what if that's jesus?"

i don't have an answer, i don't know how to balance all the different considerations, but i hope i can get myself more involved in serving others.

3 weeks is a long time

After what feels like the longest 3 weeks of my life, I am finally picking up myself to write.

After all the crying, sadness, anxiety, sickness and pain, comes the recovering me. It taught me a lot about timing, I planned my operation so well that it fits everyone's schedule at work, but God gave us all a different schedule. In the end, I had to re-schedule my operation, and went into the operation theatre in my not-so-fit state. Thankfully, it all went well.

As it says in Ecclesiastes,
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to uproot;
a time to kill and a time to heal;
a time to tear down and a time to build;
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance;
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace and a time to refrain;
a time to search and a time to give up;
a time to keep and a time to throw away;
a time to tear and a time to mend;
a time to be silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace."

See you later!

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21: 2-4)

See you later, Adrian!

countdown

In 20 days, I am going to have the first operation (and hopefully the only) in my life. Though I have fully anticipated its coming, and it's not a complicated surgery, the idea of being unconscious for a few hours still bugs me. I guess I am a control freak, and the thought of losing all control is not particularly comforting. While I know I actually don't have any control over life to start with, somehow I feel that I have some control.

The surgeon explained all the risks and all the possible side effects. All of a sudden, I feel like an investor sitting in the meeting room, listening to the risk disclosure and disclaimer of an investment idea. Weird feeling.

Time to be rational again.