crying my eyes out

heard of this phase many times before, but never quite figure out how one would get to that point.

all of a sudden, after a call with dad, with his usual negative comments, i just could not stop, as if the burden, sadness, fear, and everything negative that has been stored in my little heart just want to escape through my tears. it feels like my heart wants to burst out from my chest, and release all the negative energy in one go.

don't know what has happened...have i tried too hard? have i deceived myself? maybe...but i never knew i have stored so much inside me.

why work?

"when does a job feel meaningful? whenever it allows us to generate delight or reduce sufferings in others. though we are often taught to think of ourselves as inherently selfish, the longing to act meaningfully in our work seems just as stubborn a part of our make-up as our appetite for status or money."

"to see ourseles as the centre of the universe and the present time as the summit of history, to view our upcoming meetings as being of overwhelming significance, to neglect the lessons of cemeteries, to read only sparingly, to feel the pressure of deadlines, to snap at colleagues, to make our way through conference agendas marked '11:00 a.m. to 11:15 a.m.: coffee break', to behave heedlessly and greedily and then to combust in battle - maybe all of this, in the end, is working wisdom. it is paying death too much respect to prepare for it with sage presciptions. ... let death find us as we are building up our matchstick protests against its waves."

"our work will at least have distracted us, it will have provided a perfect bubble in which to invest our hopes for perfection, it will have focused our immeasurable anxieties on a few relatively small-scale and achievable goals, it will have given us a sense of mastery, it will have made us respectably tired, it will have put food on the table. it will have kept us out of greater trouble."

--- The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work by Alain de Botton

after-thoughts...

i don't think i have had a tougher week than last week, not even when i had to work 100 hours...yet never has it been more rewarding and thought-provoking either.

25 of us went to dasmarinas, cavite in the philippines to visit home for the 100th sheep. they have built a school for children between 3 to 6, and worked in the poorest areas to reach out to the local community.


poverty is a subject i have known in my head for a long time, but never came across it face-to-face. during our visit, we spent a large chunk of our time visiting the kids' homes, and played with them on the street. it was hard walking into their homes, most of them about 100 sq ft built with wood and tin sheet, housing a family with 6-7 children, with no fresh water supply or electricity.

despite the poor living condition, people were surprisingly cheerful. kids were friendly -- they would run to us, hold our hands and hug us, as though we have known each other for years. their yearn for love and care was apparent. we played simple games with them, something as simple as stone paper scissors could bring a big smile on their faces.

looking at them makes me think more deeply about life and my faith. if i believe that my treasure is in stored in heaven, then why am i keeping the money in my bank account and not using them to improve their living condition? am i being selfish? or am i justifying my selfishness by saying that god may call me to use these money for something else? or am i taking all these possessions as an achievement for what i have toiled under the sun, and enjoyed them? i kept thinking about mark 10:21 "go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. then come, follow me." if this is what god is calling his followers to do, do i have the faith to follow him?

jesus said, "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (john 10:10) when children are born with little or no access to the basic needs like food, water, healthcare, is that life to the full? is there anything men can do to give life before death in addition to talking about life after death? i don't know what i can do as an individual, but i know if every individual thinks the same way, the situation is likely to remain the same. however small the thing we do, if we add them all up, there is a glimpse of hope that the living condition can be improved. there is nothing more gratifying than putting hope into someone's life.

roller coaster ride

life is full of surprises, when i thought my roller coaster ride was coming to an end, the engine just restarted, taking me to another ride. the ride itself is making me feel agitated, coupled with a feeling of lack of support, there were times when i just wanted to throw in the towel.

the ride plus the shows i saw in the past week (revolutionary road and murder in san jose) prompted me to think more about life. the tension in marriage represented in these shows, the results of differing perspectives of life being bound together for "reality", is this where marriage would end up, no matter how much you thought you love each other? being realistic seems to be the common thread in both shows, dreams they are giving up because they need to be realistic. yet, who has the courage to chase their dreams? to give up their status quo? april wheeler (kate winslet) projected her desire to change through her husband, was she bound by culture or did she really have the courage to chase the dream of being different? tang (desmond tang) desires to live a different life outside of his current situation, yet lives in fear -- fear of change, what a dilemma! in both shows, it ended with a tragic event, which i don't think was the only way out. but it just demonstrates how reality could push people to their edge.

reality is kicking in, so i guess i need to hang in here for another roller coaster ride.

愛不起

由於少爺喜歡梁詠琪的關係，無奈被逼去支持「愛得起」。幸而於九龍圓方上映，不然要穿洲過省北上到深圳，未免犠牲太大了吧！

我實在找不到一個較正面的角度來形容這片子。故事的本質還可以，可是導演未能發展故事主題，演員也未能表達角色，不像笑片，也不像愛情片。chick-flicks也可以拍得有深度，可惜這部片兩頭唔到岸，實在令人speechless。

總的來說，一個字：「爛」！

lots of thinking

after going through the ups and downs of a roller-coaster, it seems like i'm heading to the end of the roller-coaster ride...but i don't seem to be able to come to some sorts of conclusion about my future plans.

from all angles, i'm really gratelful for the opportunities given me in this tough market. the only lingering thought is probably the fact that i have made plans to travel, and it seems they may not materialize at the end. well, who says i have control over timing? maybe if i look back one day, i would completely understand why things happened the way they did. timing has never been in our control. god has never promised things would work out the way i want it to be, but rather he has the best plan for us. just need to trust in him. well, easier said than done.

at the same time, i'm having second thoughts about what i really want. this opportunity seems to be something i wanted, and yet when it's becoming within reach, i start to doubt myself. i have made lots of mistakes in the past, going into areas which i regret at the end...will this be another one of those situations? do i have any choice? or am i putting myself into a pigeon-hole that i feel i have no other choice? i'm grateful, yet i'm doubtful. what an irony!

have to do some thinking tonight...

後會有期

這見證了香港中環成為國際金融中心的店子，曾是每星期六駒使我晨早起床去pilates的最大動力，可是當pilates studio搬離威靈頓街後，我便很少機會到那兒吃早餐了。



店子的擺設可說是文化遺產，伙計大嚷到廚房下單的情懷，不是現代化的電腦系統一時三刻所能代替的。早餐的食物雖不算很出色，但那杯熱騰騰的奶茶，茶香而濃滑，才是早餐的焦點所在。當我還在盤算怎樣把蛇竇的奶茶跟澳洲牛奶公司的炒蛋結合成完美早餐之際，現實逼人，蛇竇便因業主加租而被迫結束在威靈頓街的業務。雖然東主正打算於中環重新開業，那舊店子的風格將會被取締。畢竟時代變遷，新店子也要開拓新的領域，只希望再會之時，店子仍會沿用那熱奶茶的材料炮製香港最香濃的港式奶茶。